Ways to Change

For a long time I had been thinking that I was not an athlete this was why the need to put any effort into exercising, even less into running seemed unjustified. Part of the problem was that I have always been the slowest runner I knew. When playing with my friends, nobody wanted to team with me for games that involved physical activities. In school, I had disastrous results in Physical Education. As a consequence, I convinced myself that exercising was just a time loss and gave up.

A while ago, I figured out that I don't have to be a performer, that I could run for myself;  that I could track my achievements and feel better about myself. I am not fast, I can't run a 10k (I am working on a 5k) however, I am doing it and I am proud of myself.

Today, I have found a video that is extremely motivating for me. Actually, I have found a lady that can help with self esteem and success. Instinctively, I've done the things she's presenting, still I am glad that I found her and I can work more consciously on these things.

Here she is:

I like her ideas and I think it is a positive input that might cause changes at different levels of my life, including exercising.

I should love myself the way I am...

... numerous people have been telling me. I should accept myself, I should be grateful for being a  very healthy person, I should really love myself just the way I am. My answer has always been the same:  I love myself so much that I have been honest. Honest to myself. I love being me, most of the time. Until I get dressed, gaze into a mirror; or run; or shop for clothes.

These being said, I have to note that obsessing about my weight has never been a component of my daily routine, still I need to be honest and recognize  the existing issue. No, I am not talking about having 1-2 extra pounds; I am considering more than 20-30 extra pounds. I am not ashamed about my weight gain yet I am not comfortable either.

As a consequence, sometimes I feel trapped in a foreign body: heavier, shapeless, misrepresenting. Other times, I feel people observing at me as if I am the laziest person they've ever met. Little they suppose that I am exercising, eating healthy and measuring my portions, counting hours in between meals, planning etc; or that I am paying more attention to these things than they probably do.

Furthermore, I am blaming myself for allowing my body to become this big; at that moment I rationalize all the little things that have been working together to bring it at this point. At the same time, I can find a blame for whoever and whatever, however I  must admit that I share the fault for this situation. Maybe that extra cupcake that I've had; maybe that ice-cream in the middle of the night; maybe the lack of mood for running one morning; I was there and I could've changed something about it.

In conclusion, yes! I treasure myself! I care about myself that much that I can't say "I am just curvy, I feel normal". I love myself enough to accept who I am today, I acknowledge that I am living with a version of myself that needs considerable amounts of work and determination.

Nevertheless, loving myself doesn't equal starving or hurting my body/mind in any way; love doesn't involve hate - not even hating my body. This kind of love means healthy choices, exercise, happiness and relaxation.

I am willing to work on it.