Ways to Change

For a long time I had been thinking that I was not an athlete this was why the need to put any effort into exercising, even less into running seemed unjustified. Part of the problem was that I have always been the slowest runner I knew. When playing with my friends, nobody wanted to team with me for games that involved physical activities. In school, I had disastrous results in Physical Education. As a consequence, I convinced myself that exercising was just a time loss and gave up.

A while ago, I figured out that I don't have to be a performer, that I could run for myself;  that I could track my achievements and feel better about myself. I am not fast, I can't run a 10k (I am working on a 5k) however, I am doing it and I am proud of myself.

Today, I have found a video that is extremely motivating for me. Actually, I have found a lady that can help with self esteem and success. Instinctively, I've done the things she's presenting, still I am glad that I found her and I can work more consciously on these things.

Here she is:

I like her ideas and I think it is a positive input that might cause changes at different levels of my life, including exercising.

I should love myself the way I am...

... numerous people have been telling me. I should accept myself, I should be grateful for being a  very healthy person, I should really love myself just the way I am. My answer has always been the same:  I love myself so much that I have been honest. Honest to myself. I love being me, most of the time. Until I get dressed, gaze into a mirror; or run; or shop for clothes.

These being said, I have to note that obsessing about my weight has never been a component of my daily routine, still I need to be honest and recognize  the existing issue. No, I am not talking about having 1-2 extra pounds; I am considering more than 20-30 extra pounds. I am not ashamed about my weight gain yet I am not comfortable either.

As a consequence, sometimes I feel trapped in a foreign body: heavier, shapeless, misrepresenting. Other times, I feel people observing at me as if I am the laziest person they've ever met. Little they suppose that I am exercising, eating healthy and measuring my portions, counting hours in between meals, planning etc; or that I am paying more attention to these things than they probably do.

Furthermore, I am blaming myself for allowing my body to become this big; at that moment I rationalize all the little things that have been working together to bring it at this point. At the same time, I can find a blame for whoever and whatever, however I  must admit that I share the fault for this situation. Maybe that extra cupcake that I've had; maybe that ice-cream in the middle of the night; maybe the lack of mood for running one morning; I was there and I could've changed something about it.

In conclusion, yes! I treasure myself! I care about myself that much that I can't say "I am just curvy, I feel normal". I love myself enough to accept who I am today, I acknowledge that I am living with a version of myself that needs considerable amounts of work and determination.

Nevertheless, loving myself doesn't equal starving or hurting my body/mind in any way; love doesn't involve hate - not even hating my body. This kind of love means healthy choices, exercise, happiness and relaxation.

I am willing to work on it.

7th day

Snack 6:15am a handful of peanuts.
Morning walk 6:55

WALKED 3.55 MI ON 9/4/15

DISTANCE

3.55mi

STEPS

8367

DURATION 

1:05:39

AVG PACE

18:31

Breakfast 8:15am: 2 slices of bread with White Caviar and salad. One more handful of peanuts.

6th Day

Breakfast: 6:30am One slice of bread with Eggplant Spread.
Morning Walk: 6:55

WALKED 1.83 MI ON 9/3/15

DISTANCE

1.83mi

STEPS

4314

DURATION 

34:05

AVG PACE

18:39

Snack: 9:00 Banana and apple.
Lunch: 12:00 2 slices of bread and 2 cups of Eggplant Spread.
Snack: Nectarine
Dinner: 3:30pm One slice of bread with White Caviar and tomato salad.

Fifth Day

Breakfast 6:30am: 1 slice of bread with tuna spread.

Morning Walk 6:55am

WALKED 3.52 MI ON 9/2/15

DISTANCE

3.52mi

STEPS

8315

DURATION 

1:03:27

AVG PACE

18:00

Snack 9:00am: 1 large nectarine

Lunch 12:00pm 1/2 Pollo Mexicano Potato with Salad and nuts

Snack: 1:30 pm1 Nectarine and few grapes

Snack: 4:00pm 1 Apple

Dinner 5:30pm Vegetables Rice with Grilled Chicken and Salad

Evening Exercise 6:30pm

RODE 3.07 MI ON 9/2/15

DISTANCE

3.07mi

DURATION 

31:14

AVG SPEED 

5.9 mph

KCAL

223

Fourth Day

6:30 am breakfast: one slice sprouted grain bread with one tablespoon of white caviar and 1/2 tomato.
6:55 am morning walk 3.59 miles.

wALKED 3.59 MI ON 9/1/15

DISTANCE

3.59mi

STEPS

8468

DURATION 

1:07:18

AVG PACE

18:45

8:30 am snack: one banana and 1 portion of cheese and crackers.
11:30 am lunch: 2 egg omelet with 1 tablespoon feta cheese and 1 tomato.
1:00 pm snack: one apple.
3:00 pm 1/2 potato (Jason's Deli Pollo Mexicano Potato); 1 corn bread muffin and 1 pumpkin seed and cheddar cheese cracker.

8:00 pm one nectarine

Third Day

6:30 breakfast: one slice of bread with butter and honey; a cup of green tea with lemon, ginger and honey.
7:30 morning walk 1.79 miles.

WALKED 1.79 MI ON 8/31/15

DISTANCE

1.79mi

STEPS

4230

DURATION 

31:08

AVG PACE

17:22

8:15 snack: banana.
10:00 lunch: a pepperoni and cheese sandwich with a cucumber and a tomato as a side.
12:00 snack: one apple and 2 mini croissants,
4:00 dinner french fries with tomato, pepper, onion and cucumber salad.
5:00 - 8:00 mowed the loan and cleaned up the front and backyard.
21:00 snack: 1 slice of watermelon.

All my cabinets have now the reminder:

Old and New ME

Pretty hard to look at these two pictures. None of them extremely flattering but the new one could be considered awful.

Day Two

8:00 am breakfast: one tomato; one fibber; half of an avocado; a handful of baby arugula leaves; few drops of extra virgin olive oil; few drops of apple cider vinegar. I blended everything and drank.

10:00 am snack: one apple.

1:00 pm lunch: 3 slices of bread (sprouted grains) with eggplant spread (baked eggplants with onion, salt and olive oil).

4:00 pm snack: 1 slice of watermelon and 2 mini croissants with chocolate.
5:30 pm dinner: 2 cups homemade popcorn.

Will update with the dinner.

I found a picture of myself during a period when I loved how I looked like:

Now, I have to be brave enough and take of picture of myself today.

Day One

That was yesterday or I should say it has been until yesterday. Yesterday I went to the dollar store with my daughter to buy some supplies for a project at school. While searching for the supply we had to check the books area (as a side note, dollar stores sell books that many people might find useful if not great for $1). Anyway, yesterday I've found a new diet book. I don't like the whole book because the diet itself is not healthy in my opinion but I like its psychological insight.

Nevertheless, I bought the book. I bought it because while skimming it a little at the store, I've realized that the problem with my weight was actually my relationship with the food. Add in the picture an irregular meal schedule; stress; lack of sleep; lack of professional satisfaction; my work involves long hours of sitting, etc and you have the almost perfect image of what I must feel. To have the perfect representation of my situation, I need to mention that: my body carried two babies, I have switched continents about six years ago (the differences between European and American foods impacted my body in a dramatic manner; I used to walk for hours in Europe, but changing the continents meant having to drive instead of walk), and my exercise schedule is as irregular as my meal schedule. These being said, the only detail left out is the total of my extra pounds (50). I have been trying to avoid weight gain; I have been trying to lose weight; I have been trying to live with myself like this sadly, nothing worked.

So, yesterday I've come up with a plan; a combination of ideas coming from my education; my extracurricular readings, my life experience, and the book I've bought yesterday.

Therefore, this is my plan:

- take a picture of myself; find an old picture of myself; create a collage; print the collage and post it inside the cabinets in the house. This should serve as a reminder of what I am and where I want to be;

- fight my sugar addiction;

- learn how to control my emotions without food;

- log what, how much, and when I eat so I can determine the best meal schedule;

- write how I feel before and after each meal;

- exercise daily between 7:00 and 8:00 am (indoors or outdoors).

As a side note, I should say that my food is mostly organic, about 80% are whole foods that I prepare at home; I am already eating large amounts of fruits and vegetables. Accordingly, I only have to watch the intake amounts.

The last thing to say is that I've ended the day with a 1.61 miles bike ride.

RODE 1.61 MI ON 8/29/15

DISTANCE

1.61mi

DURATION 

20:11

AVG SPEED 

4.8 mph